..nothing..

(via crossroadlife)

This is beautiful and interesting and this has been a part of my life. But I know sometime soon Im going to have to part with it.

I really miss the fact that I can hang out with my two closest friends. I wish Arthur was here so we can go on rants about life and the persuit of happiness.

There was a time in my life where I was at my lowest. Arthur realized that the way I was acting was not right he told me I was in a great state of depression and he laid down the law for me. At that time I didn’t believe there was a God and not only just a God but a god i had experiences with throughout my whole life. I was thinking thoughts that i should have never have even thought about myself and the things I could do to myself to make it “right”. Which now I know was not the typical thoughts “Andelesia” should have. We went for one of oour walkes before crossover. I was a leader in my youth ministry and I didn’t care about talking to anyone or anthingabout myself about life about anything. Arthur showed me that there was a god that cares. there is a God that has picked me up and that will always be there. There was a God of grace and intervention. And through Arthur my brother god spoke to me. He told me not to be Mad but to be Content with everything and in time very thing will be okay. Arthur cried to me He got mad at me he showed me everything I was everything I was doing every thought I had in that moment Arthur spoke out of his mouth to intervene in my behalf. To save my life. I will never forget that moment in that desert, when I so intently looked at the life that was around me and felt nothing. He saw everything I was doing and in that way God was shown. I so appreciate the fact that I can have friends that watch my every moment and help me through…. not to criticize me and not put me on a pedestal that the Church wanted me at but the Pedestal Life has put me on. That was January 2009. I remeber that time exactly. Right after that I started picking myself back up. I got a job I started making friends. I was still as pure as I can be but not in my  thoughts. I started to try thinking in different perspectives….. to carry myself through what has happened what was going on and what I needed to keep on doing.
In april 2009 my sister got into the worst accident anyone could ever imagine.  It was a different thing to imagine a different way to handle something that there was no way to handle. And in all that I started living two different ways. I wanted to take all this pain away, but I also wanted to be the best influence that anyone has ever seen. I was still kinda of homeless but slowly I made goals for myself. I was still mad at God. and i let him know for sure!. I started drinking and doing drugs and in that moment I realized everything i was doing wasnt for the right reasons.

My youth Pastor Tim, He held on to me, he made sure that he kept me above he saw the potental in me more than everyone else. I know he wasnt aware of things that I was doing but I know God was working through him to help me. In August of 2009 He asked me to be a leader of a group of girl for this Convention. At that point, suddenly I realized I knew I could be the leader that I was and I had to do it. During that weekend I spoke into those girls lives. I  Let them open their minds to me. They told me of their broken homes their lost fathers who would hurt them and I realized that im not the only one and I CAN make a difference. I was still holding back from God still. During that whole convention they were singing How He Loves. I remember listening to that song earlier that ear telling myself there is hope and grace like the roaring ocean that will overcome my sufferings, my underlined self worth that only I felt about myself. I finally let God in. For the first time in my life I fell to my knees then just laid there in front of everyone. I could NOT get up it was like god was being my pressure. He was keeping me there so he can show me his feelings His thoughts. I broke down I cried. I finally picked myself up off the floor and for the first time I was born again as if i had never went to church in my life and I totally understood what it was like to be free from the chains I put onto myself.

Dezza came after all this. I did not like her. I was so territorial for her being around my group of friends I didn’t know where she came from what she was all about. There was one night I had to blow off some steam form my family so I walked a couple miles in her direction. She was the only person that I thought of that I wanted to hang out with. I felt like I have put my baggage on all of my other friends that i had to much more to let out on them. so Dezza was the only one that I could think of. it was probably the first time i’ve ever had a real conversation with. I cried to her I let myself out because I knew that there was grace in what I was doing and I knew that if I let a little trust out that new relationships could be restored though other ones. She stood in the gap for everyone who had hurt me.
She and I needed to get out of kingman for a while so we decided to take a trip to Pheonix and flagstaff. It was the best trip of my life. And after that she let me in. I moved in and the whole time living there It was like I was in a place of rest a place where I could fix myself. I started interning for Tim. I started to talk to the kids at youth and I tried to be the best influence for those kids to look up to and in time I got the oppurtunity to get out of Kingman.

Now since I’m here in billings a lot has went on. And right now in this place o my life i miss the memories of being with Arthur and Dezza. I want to be able to show Dezza want I can invest into her and I want to be that older sister to take care of someone just like how I have been taken care of. Right now I need that mending time. Right now i need that peace. I need that intervention. I need god in my life, again.